How to Write a College Essay That Stinks

They have the substance of Wonder Bread, the rhythm and flow of an American Idol reject, and the structure of an amoeba floating in primordial ooze.

I’m talking about bad college admissions essays—those that totally and utterly stink. From serving on several scholarship-judging committees and evaluating countless student submissions over the years, I’ve become something of an expert on the art—no, the science—of writing truly terrible essays.

But where others see bad essays as part of the problem, I see them as the solution: The best way to master the college and scholarship essay is to learn how to write a truly bad one—and then, quite simply, do the reverse.

So how does one commit the biggest college essay blunders? How can you, too, craft an essay as ill-advised as a Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime show? All you have to do is follow these three simple rules.

Bad Essay Rule No. 1: Make your essay a big résumé

Need a quick way to help your reader go from zero to boredom in five seconds flat? Turn your essay into an endless laundry list of your activities and awards. Although such credentials may be appropriate elsewhere in your application, including a laundry list in your essay transforms your composition into a mind-numbing spin cycle of self-congratulatory facts.

Other students far less skilled in the craft of bad essay writing may focus on only one or two of these activities. They may even use the essay as an opportunity to describe a specific experience in which they demonstrated determination, teamwork, individual initiative, responsibility, or other positive qualities.

But those same students risk waking up one day to the shocking news that they have actually been admitted to their dream college and won a scholarship to help pay for it. Resist this temptation at all costs.

Bad Essay Rule No. 2: Avoid personal details and anecdotes

The problem with including personal anecdotes is that because no one else has shared these same moments, they make your essay unique and memorable. In a world where cookie-cutter answers are the norm, exhibiting such individuality causes your essay to—gasp!—stand out as one worth reading more closely. Frankly, this is no way to craft an essay that stinks.

To ensure that your essay really stinks, double-check that it is void of all personal experiences, examples, and life circumstances—and also lacks the individual perspectives, opinions, beliefs, and values that are shaped by such events. Don’t let admissions officers get to know the real you… letting them know you, unfortunately, would be the swiftest path to admission.

One minute you’re relating a story that reveals something important about your personal character; before you know it, you’re receiving college acceptance letters in the mail. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Bad Essay Rule No. 3: Strive for an inappropriate tone

Seek to impress the reader with the extent of your scholarly vocabulary. Pretend you’re in a Scrabble competition and are about to lay down a triple-word score. If you can think of words that the reader won’t understand, that’s good; if you can use words that you don’t understand, even better.

My heart goes out to those sorry students who write in a conversational tone using their natural vocabulary, thereby keeping their essays authentic, credible, and accessible to readers. How embarrassing for them.

To be safe, avoid reading successful college admissions essays or winning scholarship essays altogether. After all, if you read such essays and analyze how their creators developed a strong personal voice and tone, you might unexpectedly pick up a few pointers. Need I say more?

The rest, my friend, is up to you. Follow these three principles and you’re virtually guaranteed a fat stack of rejection letters. But do the opposite and you’ll be on the fast track to college admissions and scholarship success. The choice is yours.